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Monday, December 11, 2017

An Important Step Toward a Committed FLR-DD

   Once my marriage ended I seemed to wander aimlessly for several months. While the marriage wasn't an FLR, the commitment seemed to focus me in ways that eluded me at this juncture. I have always lacked self-discipline and now that I was single I felt lost, lacking purpose and direction. I was acting out carelessly and dangerously. I had a lot of time on my hands and I didn't know what to do with it. While surfing the internet one night I came across the Nuwest-Leda site. It was years before when I lived in California where I was in a similar situation, I was out of control at that time hopping from bar to bar, club to club and adult boutique to adult boutique that I came across one adult boutique with video booths. I had never seen anything like it before and something caught my eye and drew me in immediately.

   At the entrance to the back room where the booths were was a video board listing all the features playing. There were several that jumped out at me. While they made me quite uncomfortable, I couldn't turn away from them. I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart pounded and my temples pulsed. Right there in front of me were images of men in various states of dress bent over the knees of fully clothed women getting spanked. I was catapulted back in time to my experiences with Miss J. Back then I thought I was the only man being spanked by a woman like there was something terribly wrong with me. There was no internet then and I had never seen or been to an adult bookstore in my life. But, there it was right before me eyes. I looked around nervously hoping no one had seen me looking at the video ads though I was almost certain everyone knew. I walked away from the board and browsed as if to cover my intentions. After 5 minutes or so I darted through the curtains to the video booths. I quickly slid a $20 bill into the change machine then ducked into a booth and closed and locked the door.

   The smell was sickening and I felt dirty. I wanted to run out of there and never look back but I couldn't. I had to see what those videos were about. I dumped several dollars in quarters into the coin slot then scrolled through the menu desperately trying to recall the titles I saw on that board. I found one and selected it. The movies play in a loop and when you choose one you begin viewing it wherever it is at the time. It started with a camera view from the top-front. A pretty lady was seated in a straight-backed chair in a 50's style one-piece dress, stockings and high heels. She had a young man across her knee in nothing but a pair of white cotton briefs like I was always made to wear for punishments. The underpants were at mid thigh and the lady was spanking him hard and fast with her bare hand. I panicked when it began because the sounds of the slaps and his cries were loud and there was no volume dial or button! Everyone was going to know what I was looking at in there! I quickly changed the channel till the sounds changed to loud moaning and screaming. I checked carefully at the cracks in the door to see if anyone was lurking outside then switched back to the spanking video.

    I couldn't believe my eyes as I watched that guys bare cheeks turning a bright red! This scene could very well have been me over Miss J's knee. It was all to familiar and it made me feel uneasy but I was mesmerized at the same time. I flipped the channel back and forth a few times. While my spankings often took place in a furnished living room or bedroom, this room was empty except for the straight-backed chair, an area rug, the lady and the man. It served to magnify the scene I was looking at on the distractions....a barely dressed man over a fully clothed ladies knee being soundly spanked! I noticed there was a large oval, wooden hairbrush on the floor just in front of the guys nose as she hand spanked him. She paused briefly and scolded him just like Miss J used to do to me. The lady told him what a naughty boy he had been and that she was going to give him the "spanking of his life"! She ordered him to hand her the wooden hairbrush and like I had always done, he complied immediately. I was so captivated by the scene in front of me that I totally forgot about my nervous fear of being found out.

   She laid the flat side of the hairbrush on his cheeks and warned him to stay in position then began to lift that hairbrush high over her head and swing it down hard on his bare wobbling cheeks over and over and over. The guy screamed and squealed and begged but she kept right on spanking. He squirmed and kicked and I felt as though I was looking in a mirror recounting the punishments I received over Miss J's lap years before. as that poor guys bottom got redder and redder and his howls got louder and louder I couldn't take it anymore and I got up and ran out of that place as fast as I could. A couple weeks later I found myself back there in a booth watching another guy get spanked in a similar fashion. I repeated that ritual for several months until my conscience became so tortured and I never returned.

   Stumbling across the Nuwest-Leda site was shocking to me....these were the same movies I had seen at the bookstore years before. I went through them all reading all the descriptions and staring at the images. My heart was pounding again but I knew I was alone. I followed links that led me to websites dealing with female led relationships and I combed through every detail. It was a sleepless night as the images and information swarmed through my head. One thought in-particular stuck with me.....those painful spankings I got from Miss J always seemed to ease my guilt....I always felt afterwards that there was a clean slate. Is this what I needed now I thought? For the next few months I was consumed by the idea, I spent a lot of time on the internet reading about it and watching clips. I'd lay in bed at night thinking back on and longing for my time with Miss J. I wished she was there now to straighten me out and put my life back on track.

    Soon I had begun dating Lisa. She was a nice girl and we seemed to enjoy each others company. We had been seeing each other for a few months and it was starting to get serious. I have the utmost respect for women and it never crossed my mind to press her for sex. I was courteous and gentlemanly in her presence. One Friday night we ended up back at my place watching movies. One thing led to another and we began making out on the sofa. Soon we were both breathing heavily and our kissing grew very passionate. I felt her hand on my erection as she squeezed it through my pants. I cupped her breasts and gently pinched her nipples. She began to unbuckle my belt and unsnap my jeans. I did the same to her. Soon we were naked making hot passionate love on the sofa. Our bodies shook together as we climaxed.

   Afterwards we cuddled naked in each others arms. She looked me straight in the eye and completely surprised me with a question I never saw coming. She asked if I had any fantasies. Immediately my mind went to spanking and I withdrew emotionally. Just the idea of it in her presence seemed to threaten my masculinity. I could never tell a woman about my obsession with female authority and punishment spankings! She sensed my uneasiness and pressed on. I denied having any fantasies so she asked if I had any fetishes. I couldn't believe my ears....was this woman really asking me these questions? Did she know something? I think my reaction was giving away the fact that I was hiding a deep secret and she was determined to find out what it was. I was determined to take my secret to the grave! Even though I craved that type of relationship in my mind when faced with sharing it with another human being (especially a woman) I found that it frightened me half to death. She wouldn't let up and kept pressing me for an answer.

   I told her that if I did have a fetish, I could never share it with her because she would run out the door and never come back. Deep down inside me I wanted to tell her but I couldn't. She tried to put me at ease by telling me her ex used to dress up like a woman. I was shocked by her admission and darted a look at her! She said he wanted her to use a strapon on him and she did so gladly. She said she actually liked it! My head was spinning now, maybe this was the right woman to share this with I thought? No, I couldn't! Well, maybe.....I looked at her and began to speak then stopped. She was looking me right in the eyes in a very comforting way. I told her that if I told her she would think I was some kind of freak. She laughed and asked if I had heard what she just told me......did I seriously think anything I could tell her would make her look at me like a freak? Next I found myself spilling my guts to her. To my utter surprise she didn't get up and run....she sat there listening very calmly. She didn't bust out laughing or chastise me verbally. She listened then took me in her arms in a very warm embrace and held me for a long while.

   We decided she should spend the night as it was late and neither of us wanted to get dressed. We moved to the bedroom and lay on the bed in a warm embrace. She hadn't said much since I told her my deep, dark secret and I was nervous. As we lay there she began to ask me questions about it. She confessed she had never done it before. I had some information about women taking control of their relationships that I had printed out from one of the websites and I pulled it out and gave it to her. She laid there for a few hours reading it. The next morning I took her home. We got together later that night as we normally would fact, we continued on for several weeks as if none of that ever happened. Neither of us brought it up.A few weeks later we went out with a few other couples to a local diner. We were all joking and laughing and I was trying my hardest to be funny. I poked some fun at least I though it was "fun" but it didn't appear her or anyone else though so. She sat there quietly and I could tell from her expression that she was not at all happy with me.

   I went to the bathroom in hopes that when I got back the whole awkward situation would have blown over. The men's room was down a long narrow hallway at the end. As I came out I ran smack dab into Lisa who was standing there blocking my way with a very angry look on her face. She backed me into the wall and leaned in close to me. In a stern voice I recognized from an earlier time in my life she told me to "pay the bill and go bring the car around, we were leaving." I looked at her face which ignited an old feeling in me that said I had better do as I am told. I wasn't sure if I was taking her home for the last time or not as I brought the car around. She was waiting on the steps and got in. I started driving and asked if I was taking her home? In that same stern voice she said to go to my place. We sat in silence for a good part of the ride. I finally got the courage to speak and began with a "look, Lisa, I didn't mean.........." I was cut off by her stern voice tell me to be quiet and keep driving....she had heard enough from me tonight and didn't care to hear my voice anymore!"

   I shut up and drove. As we pulled up to my place and I shut the car off she turned to me and said I was to go in the house, strip to my underwear and stand in the middle of the living room. "You want to be spanked? Trust me young are going to get spanked now get in that house!" My face flushed immediately as I nervously scurried to comply. Those old feeling I hadn't felt in so long came rushing over me. When I was in trouble with Miss J I knew it and I wanted to be anywhere else other than in front of her at those times. I was feeling that now. It seemed that I wanted it when I didn't have it but didn't want it when I did. I hate getting spanked! The pre-spanking trembles took a hold of me as I fumbled to get my clothes off. To make matter worse she sat in the chair in the living room watching me with her legs crossed and her hands folded in her lap. Her right leg bobbed up and down slowly as her stern expression burnt holes in me. I had piled my clothes in a ball on the floor beside me the turned to face her. I didn't know what to do so my instincts told me to stand in front of her with my hands at my sides like I had done so many times with Miss J.

   She sat there for what seemed like an eternity looking at me. I wanted to melt into the floor. I fidgeted slightly, shifting my weight from foot to foot. Finally she spoke, in a monotone voice she told me to pick my clothes up and fold them neatly and place them on the couch. I did as I was told and returned to my position standing in front of her. Again she made me wait perhaps enjoying the obvious anxiety I was displaying? She instructed me to go to my bedroom and bring her the long oval clothes brush sitting on my dresser. My eyes went wide at her command and I hesitated...."Now young man!". she growled. I scurried toward the bedroom and came back with the brush. I handed to her and assumed my previous position. She held the brush on her lap and again left me there for a few minutes as I sweated it out. I was told to go in the kitchen and get one of the chairs and bring it out to the living room. I didn't hesitate this time and returned in a timely fashion with the chair. I was instructed to place it in the middle of the room then to stand facing it.

   She got up slowly and casually walked to the chair and sat down. I was standing in front of her in nothing but my underpants and crew socks. I wanted to fold my hands in front of my growing erection but my previous training would not allow me to do it. My head was reeling from this sudden turn of events. I had thought she dismissed the idea after I spilled my guts to her a few weeks ago. It seemed quite apparent to me that I was in trouble at the moment, I didn't know how to stand or where to put my hands so I reverted to those old requirements Miss J had set forth. I stood up straight with my hands at my sides. I didn't speak until spoken to and I waited unsteadily for her next command. She began by saying that from what she gathered from what I had told her a few weeks ago and what she read in the article I gave her as well as what she had been able to piece together from her own internet research on the topic was that this "spanking thing" wasn't a form of sexual foreplay for me. She believed that I wanted it as a form of punishment for real or perceived misbehavior. She asked me if she was correct.....I struggled with my answer, I had never really given it serious thought but I think she hit the nail on the head and it caught me off guard.

   There is no doubt that what I craved was discipline even though I detested it when it was happening. I longed for the cleansing release it offered. Of course there was an element of sexuality to it but it wasn't a direct relation. I wanted to be held accountable, to pay a price for my actions and then be forgiven. She was growing agitated by my failure to answer her in a timely fashion and I could clearly see it. She sat upright in the chair, her long legs closed tightly together and the brush held on her lap in both hands. "Thomas?" She said in a stern tone suggesting that I answer her question. I instinctively replied with a "yes ma'am" that seemed to delight her. In fact, she intimated that she liked it and that I should continue to address her as such while I was being punished. Again I replied appropriately. She continued what seemed to be a scolding of sorts as well as her verbally figuring this out as she went. She told me that she had been doing some reading on the topic and that a punishment spanking was just that, a punishment. There was no sex involved (as she gazed at the erection pushing the front of my underpants out), there was no "safe words", I had no say in how, where or when a punishment spanking would take place. I sheepishly agreed respectfully.

   She went on to tell me that I had disrespected her and that I had done so in front of our friends. My words and behavior tonight were very hurtful to her. I apologized sincerely and began to try and explain that that isn't what I intended. I was told to be quiet and not to speak again unless I was instructed to. I could almost feel my male bravado deflate at the admonishment. She continued by telling me that after some thought and research she also felt that punishment spankings could be very helpful and therapeutic for both of by receiving them and her by administering them. She wanted to hear me say that I understood that if she were to embrace this need of mine that it would be under her terms, that if she felt a spanking was earned and deserved that I would not resist. She expected complete and total obedience and that she would determine the details of my punishments whether I liked them or not. I reluctantly agreed realizing that I was once again about to surrender complete control to a woman.

   She went on to explain that she fully intended to deliver a punishment spanking that was going to hurt immensely and that it would last as long as she felt was necessary. She said that when she was finished spanking me my bottom would be a very deep shade of red  and it would be very sore. My behavior warranted it and she intended to give it to me. She asked if I understood and agreed. I replied with a "yes ma'am". She reminded me that if we went forward with this this evening there was no turning back. I told her I understood. Very well she said, I want you to come over here and get across my knee, I'm going to give you the long hard spanking you deserve young man. I took the few steps toward her and bent over her knee. She rubbed her hand over the seat of my underpants as I looked back through the rungs of the chair at my trembling legs, my feet together and my toes on the floor. A familiar position I had not found myself in in a very long time.

   She grasped my waist with her left hand and rested the clothes brush across both quivering cheeks. She was done talking apparently. The first spank landed across both cheeks, it stung only mildly. She delivered about a dozen more with the same effect. She paused briefly perhaps gauging my reaction? She then delivered a few dozen more. They stung but nothing like I was used to. She again administered a few dozen more. They stung slightly more as my bottom began to get tender but they were nothing I couldn't tolerate. I felt her lay the brush in the small of my back and her fingers hook the elastic waistband of my underpants. The air was cool as it blew over my suddenly bared cheeks as she slid them down just below my bottom. She picked the brush up and began to spank my bare bottom steadily. The smacks seemed slightly harder and the sensation was definitely uncomfortable but I could sense that she was holding back afraid she would really hurt me.

   After several dozen smacks of the brush on my bare bottom she paused. She commented that I didn't seem to be reacting very much. She asked if I was feeling it. I told her I didn't think it was my place to tell her how to spank but she said it was my place if she asked me. She knew I was spanked regularly by Miss J, I told her about it that first night. I didn't want to open a can of worms by telling her she wasn't spanking hard enough, honestly, I didn't really want to get a punishment spanking. I knew I needed one, I knew I deserved one, I knew that this current spanking was not going to relieve the guilt I felt over having upset her so much but, my mind was telling me not to cop to any of that. On the other hand, I knew if we were going to do this then we had to do it right. If I didn't benefit from the spanking then what was the point? She was asking so hesitantly, I confessed that I was barely feeling it and that my past spankings were ten times more painful and effective.

   Apparently that's all she needed to hear. She regrouped then began to administer a blistering bare bottom brush spanking that had me howling, squealing, screeching, pleading, begging, kicking and squirming across her lap long before it was over. She left me draped over her knee for a minute or so while I gathered myself together then she instructed me to get up and go to the corner leaving my underpants down and my red, sore, well spanked bottom on display until she gave me permission to pull my underpants up and come out of the corner. She definitely made adjustments, my bottom was burning as I stood in the corner. She left me there fore a good twenty minutes at least then had me come lay over her knee again as she applied lotion to my very red and sore bottom. She asked if I thought the spanking was a sufficient one and she wanted me to be honest. I told her that once she got over the initial nervousness of administering her first spanking I thought she did quite well. She confessed that she enjoyed the power and control she felt and that once she really started spanking it made her wet. Of course her hands rubbing lotion on my bare bottom cheeks was getting me quite hard but she reminded me that punishment spankings would be kept separate and apart from sex.

   a few weeks later Lisa moved in with me and became "Miss Lisa and ma'am" and for about 9 months I found myself being led and guided by an ever improving disciplinarian. There were rules that I was expected to follow and common courtesies I was expected to adhere to and if I didn't, my bottom was bared and I was soundly spanked. She took to it as if it was natural and I've come to think it is. Women seem to have a natural maternal instinct and need to correct those they care about. She did her homework on the subject to and began to incorporate other methods of discipline into the relationship. In our discussions she found that I absolutely disliked having anything in my bottom so she decided that would be an effect form of additional punishment should my behavior warrant it. Of course as she browsed web sites on the topic she frequently came across sites that included anal discipline as well as spanking. Since anal play was her fetish she had no shortage or implements to insert in my bottom when she deemed necessary. She also found it useful to apply things like icy hot to the butt plugs and dildos as well as to just apply it to my hole during corner time.

   She also found that her ex husbands fetish was an effective punishment for me at times as well. I have no such attraction to dressing in women's clothing so it added greatly to the humiliation aspect if she were to make me wear "punishment panties" or other lingerie as part of a punishment. Of course there were several web sites she came across where that was a standard practice with some disciplinary women as well so that did not bode well for me. Her reasoning was that if she had to discipline me she might as well get some enjoyment out of it. Over that nine or ten months spankings were a common occurrence in our home. She embraced the role and held me accountable in a fair and just manner I must admit. With each passing day her spankings became more and more effective and she said that she was really coming to love being a disciplinarian. Unfortunately, she had some other personal problems that had nothing to do with our relationship but they were a huge roadblock in our remaining together. It is proof that just because you share an interest and belief in domestic discipline it doesn't mean the relationship will always work out, there are many other aspects to a successful and healthy relationship.

   Despite the fact that this relationship didn't work out, it was a very important step in my development and commitment to finding and living this type of life. I still had a lot of confusion and doubt but I no longer wished to bury my desires, I wanted to examine what drove me to it. I really dislike the spankings, they hurt bad and I don't like pain but I see the importance and benefit of them in this lifestyle. They are very cleansing and therapeutic and they go a long way to establishing and maintaining her authority so, in that regard, I do believe that spankings should be memorable and painful if they are going to be effective tools in correcting unacceptable behavior and submission to her. I know that I am very attracted to female authority, I find it very sexy and that is where my commitment to FLR-DD originates, all the other benefits are a bonus! I never had any pictures or videos of my time with Miss Lisa but I would like to offer some visual examples of the type of spankings I receive. The pictures and vid clips in this post are Miss Sadie. I will go into a little more detail about her in some future posts but I will say that she is a very formidable disciplinarian as you can clearly see. She is a no-nonsense lady that administers very sound spankings when necessary

   The pics and clips here are from her visit to PA that I wrote about in this previous post.......


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